It has recently come to my attention through this youtube video that some guys think cooking can get you laid. TRUTH. If you know how to cook, you can bet you will be wading your way through a sea of panties just to get to the kitchen. But guess what dumbshit? No pansy-ass tequila scallop dish ever helped anyone get their dick wet. Scallops, seriously? Any sissy-boy can be a fisherman. Eating anything but pig-meat is an affront to our heathen ancestors who chased wild boars through primeval forests and killed them with their bare hands, then marched back to their dens and banged cave-wenches. I am going to show you how to make a pork dinner so fucking good that once your date puts this shit in her mouth, your flaccid manhood will be more disappointing to her than the last Indiana Jones movie.
I used a cut of pork the Italians call 'stinco', which means 'fucking awesome' if you don't speak the language, but you can use whatever cut of meat you like as long as it isn't from a sissy bivalve mollusc. I used the stinco because it comes from the leg of the pig, so while it is scampering about on the farm it is becoming more and more delicious with every step it takes, even though each step brings it closer to its own inevitable yet delicious demise. It's a cut of meat well suited to long cooking times, which is fine because that tramp you picked up at Applebee's last Wednesday night is probably going to be an hour late anyway. Besides, while it is busy cooking you can use the tequila for what it was intended for, not for a goddamn flambé.
Now listen up, here's what you're going to do.
1. Go to the store. Buy meat, an onion, a carrot, and a zucchini. Don't worry that half of that shit is shaped like a dong, you are still the fucking man. If you don't have it at home, buy some beef stock or bouillon cubes, and you probably don't already have it because you are a bachelor like me and we have better shit to do than monitor stock levels in the pantry. Get some white wine too, and whatever you don't use for cooking the pig you can give to your date while you drink something manlier like Natty Light or kerosene. Oh, and if you're not from an Italian family, make sure you have rosemary, garlic, and olive oil on hand. It doesn't have to be extra virgin, and in fact it shouldn't be, because around here we don't put up with virgin prudes and their bullshit. And if you're feeling extra fancy-schmancy you can get some juniper berries and whole clove, because I KNOW your broke bachelor ass doesn't keep that shit in the cupboard. But take heart, your date probably won't notice if those last two are missing because even without them she will be too busy trying to get at your man-seed. This meat is just that goddamn good.
2. Now that you've done the shopping, load that shit in your '98 Camaro, you poor schmuck, and get your ass home. Respect your local traffic laws and don't litter; we don't want any more crying Natives, dammit. Once you're home, dig through all that shit in the cupboards that you never use and find a pot with a heavy bottom, big enough to hold whatever meat you just bought. A dutch oven would be perfect, and no I am not talking about the bedroom maneuver you sick fuck. Save that shit for the second date. What's that? You don't own any big pots and all you have are used Cup O' Noodles containers? Figures. Go next door, ask the cute neighbor that you fap to every night if she has any pots you can borrow, and get your ass back in the kitchen. There's work to be done, son. Now, get out the onion and your phallic vegetable purchases, and go to town slicing that shit up. Make big, rough-cut chunks, 'cause they'll be in the heat for a long time - if only you could be so lucky after the meal, you poor bastard (but don't worry, Trojan makes a fix for that).
3. Assuming you didn't send yourself to the ER cutting up the veggies, it's now time to act like a man and brown some goddamn meat. Get a plate, and cover it with a shit-ton of salt and black pepper. Roll the meat around on all sides until it's nice and coated, then throw that badboy in the pot with some oil and let it sear on all sides. Just for a few minutes until it's good n brown. Now you gotta get the meat out of the pan and onto a plate; if you're a real man, you can be quick and use your hands. If you're Chuck Norris, you can use your teeth. But your dumb ass should probably just use a pair of forks.
4. Now throw the veggies and all the other junk into the pot, except for the liquid stuff. Let them soften for 4-5 minutes in the pot, then add two cups of wine and a cup of broth/bouillon mix and boil that shit up . If the pot is a monster-sized motherfucker, you may need to add some more during cooking - just like a fine lady, you don't want this stuff to be dry by the time the dance is over. Once it's boiling, pat yourself on the back because you haven't screwed it all up yet, then put your beautiful meat hunks back in so they're resting on top of the veggies and bring the whole mess back down to a simmer. Cover it with a lid and let the monster you've just created cook for 1 hour 30 minutes to 2 hours, depending on the meat. Turn your meat baby every 30 minutes or so. If it ain't done yet, let it cook another 15 minutes and then check again, dumbass!
5. Congratulations. You just created the culinary equivalent of a weapon of mass panty-dropping. When it's done cooking, remove it from heat for 15-20 minutes to let the juices settle. Get out your finest Dixie plates and serve that shit up alongside the now melt-in-your-mouth veggies. If there is enough juice left in the bottom, serve up the whole mess in a bowl like a stew, so your lady friend can lustfully lap it up while giving you that come hither look. You earned it. And don't say I never did nothin for ya.
TL;DR -
Ingredients:
- meat (amount depending on people served, size of pot, cut used - just use your noggin)
-1 medium onion (chopped to 1/2 inch pieces)
-1 medium to large zucchini (chopped to 1/2 inch pieces)
-1 large carrot (chopped to 1/2 inch pieces)
-2-3 individual cloves of garlic
-1 cup beef broth or prepared bouillon (plus more for topping off)
-2 cups white wine (plus more for drinking)
- olive oil (enough to coat bottom of pot)
-salt and pepper to taste
- rosemary (1 fresh sprig or 1/2 tsp dried)
- 6 juniper berries *optional
- 1 clove *optional
Directions:
-Coat meat in salt and pepper
-Sear in pot with olive oil until brown on all sides, 2-3 minutes per side
-Remove meat from pot; add onion, carrots, and zucchini along with garlic, rosemary, clove, and juniper berries. Cook 4-5 minutes until soft
-Add 2 cups white wine and 1 cup broth / prepared bouillon.
-Place meat back in the pot on top of veggies and bring to a boil
-Reduce to a simmer and cover. Let cook for 1 hour 30 minutes to 2 hours, depending on meat
-Turn meat every 30 minutes. Add additional broth / prepared bouillon if pot begins to run dry.
-When meat is cooked, let rest 15-20 minutes. Plate meat alongside the veggies drizzled with sauce, or eat as a stew if enough liquid remains
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